Oh, glory day, our new king messiah president has come to power. And just in time, because our mortgage was coming due, and now I don’t have to pay it, right? If I get behind, Obama will save me! And I can’t wait for tomorrow, when Iran discontinues its quest for nuclear weapons, Israel and the Hamas shake hands and make nice, the stock market will climb to over 20,000, and we’ll all be able to get back to just thinking about puppies. Is that a unicorn in my backyard? Look, I just pooped a rainbow!
I can’t believe this day has finally arrived — it’s so inspiring that a man from the rough and tumble streets of Honolulu, Hawaii, raised by loving grandparents, who attended a private college prep school and went on to study in prestigious universities and receive a law degree, well, that even he, too, can become President of the United States of America. *sniff*
I have to get this off my chest….
There’s no basement in the Alamo, there are no Unicorns making cafe mochas and shitting rainbows in my kitchen (but how cool would that be???) and there’s no “Office of The President Elect“.
K?
Wait, what do you mean you actually don’t want me on that wall?
President-elect Obama’s advisers are crafting plans to close the Guantanamo Bay prison and prosecute terrorism suspects in the U.S., a plan the Bush administration said Monday was easier said than done.
Under the plan being crafted inside Obama’s camp, some detainees would be released and others would be charged in U.S. courts, where they would receive constitutional rights and open trials. But, underscoring the difficult decisions Obama must make to fulfill his pledge of shutting down Guantanamo, the plan could require the creation of a new legal system to handle the classified information inherent in some of the most sensitive cases.
Thank God! (Or in Christopher Hitchens case, thank, uh, nobody.) After being devastated last month when Hitch drank the Obama Kool-Aid, it would appear our favorite functioning drunk hasn’t completely lost it, but rather cast his vote for Obama as a wake up call to the Republicans. Hitch is now throwing a glass of water in the face of Obama lockstep loyalists, and dishing up a nice plate of reality check. (And fortunately not mangling and mixing his metaphors as badly as I just did.)
The recognition of these obvious points should also alert us to a related danger, which is the cousinhood of euphoria and hysteria. Those who think that they have just voted to legalize Utopia (and I hardly exaggerate when I say this; have you been reading the moist and trusting comments of our commentariat?) are preparing for a disillusionment that I very much doubt they will blame on themselves. The national Treasury is an echoing, empty vault; our Russian and Iranian enemies are acting even more wolfishly even as they sense a repudiation of Bush-Cheney; the lines of jobless and evicted are going to lengthen, and I don’t think a diet of hope is going to cover it. Nor even a diet of audacity, though can you picture anything less audacious than the gray, safety-first figures who have so far been chosen by Obama to be on his team?
I suppose it’s appropriate for a man full of such self-importance that he’s penned two memoirs before the ripe, old age of 47. [Ed. note: or did he?] A group in Topeka, Kansas is holding a number of rallies to promote the idea of a national holiday in honor of Barack Obama — that’s right, they want to honor him before he’s actually even done anything. Bodes well for the next four — or, god forbid, eight — years of overwhelming sycophancy.
“Yes We Can” planning rallies will be at 7 a.m. and 7 p.m. every Tuesday at the downtown McDonald’s restaurant, 1100 Kansas Ave., until Jan. 13. The goals are to secure a national holiday in Obama’s honor, to organize celebrations around his inauguration and to celebrate the 200th birthday of President Abraham Lincoln, who was born on Feb. 12 1809.
